The Public House

Behind glass smiles are the whiskey ties,
the salutes, and drunken testaments,
liquid praise, and clinking compliments
as we try to swallow the past like wolves
waiting-

to devour the burden of remembrance.


Our regrets,
we bury like coffins;
silently mourning our defeat.
The void,

and vacancy we cannot fill, but turn
to stock as we attempt
to fix our losses.

Caught between affliction and anger,
our emotions bulge, and brew over
the brinks of bottles, the verges of pints
as we drown our woes behind
the barriers of the public house,
we rely on the benevolence of strangers,
to wash away the risk and reward, the sorrow
and strain of squander, the dread of ruin,
and total sum of disaster

we stagger,
masquerading our condescension,
we stumble as we lose,
our courage.

SparkNotes

I deleted all of my writing over the last three years. I had to. It was too depressing. Every poem, every essay, every simile, and stale metaphor, I had to erase this cycle. I had to purge the Past. The Past is gone. And, I relied far too much on the cyclical forms of expression, and dark subject matter. I am tired of writing about darkness, and all that is ugly and vile. It did nothing, but cloud my mind, and I cannot revisit it. It served a purpose. It was a necessary part of my catharsis. So here we begin a new page. I leave behind the notes of the puke gallery, the days spent in Brazil, the hours spent agonizing over men, who couldn't love me back, now, is the time to redefine rhyme.

I made a religion out of sorrow and whine, 

I was the preacher and the pulpit, I was the dark romantic, the tragic Bohemian, the lost soul, and those days are over, the days of nomadic self destruction have come to an end. And, I am tired of being a fringe spectacle, it's cheating, I am exhausted by recounting the close encounters with death, the brushes with Fate, I am weary of glamorizing destruction, I have given up glitter, laurels, and red lips, I have cooled, calmed, and settled, and I will not make myself the main attraction, I am not a freak show. I am a girl who has lived and survived the worst humanity has to offer, and rather than attract wonder, I'd rather convey what was lost, what is gained, and what remains than add faux glimmer and sparkle. I am not a book invented for you entertainment. I am not your SparkNotes. 

Thoughts on the Equinox

I started a new practice. Each morning, I get up and I try to assess the source of my thoughts, and rather than immediately pan out to the future, I now go through the day on a case-by-case basis. It's difficult at times because what is perhaps a core to most is absolutely new to me. In a way, I am sort of frightened and relieved that my voice can still be so Puritanical... how? I have no idea.

As a child, I was super petrified of making the smallest error in judgment, and this manner of thinking was present from the get-go. The funny thing is, as a child, I always felt alien, I always felt disconnected from others. As a child, I simply stared and spent the majority of my time, playing in my own world. I don't remember feeling anything much. I even used to pull away my hand from my mother and other adults. I refused hugs, and pretty much never wanted to have anything to do with anyone else.

I didn't know how. I didn't understand other kids. They couldn't understand me. I was meant to be an only child, but I was lucky enough to have a sister. Being the older child is confusing. I think we're more of an experiment, we're sort of the testing ground, and it's okay because our parents had no instruction manual either. There is

I loved water, and I loved looking at things in the garden. I had very poor social skills. I didn't want to play with other children, I liked drawing, and I liked my grandfather, and I loved sitting and drawing on the coffee table while he watched "The Price is Right."

And now, I think about who I am, and how I got here, and where I'm going. I think about all I have to do, and all I want to do, and all I need to do to stay true. Life is a learning experience. Some of us need to fall harder than others. Some of us must climb to be better individuals, and some of us are further along than others. I'm here, I'll do the best I can.